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Rosey [userpic]

you're the only light i ever saw

November 8th, 2007 (09:57 am)
chipper
Tags: , , ,

current location: uni room
current mood: chipper
current song: mark ronson - valerie

my paid account ran out about a month ago. i might renew. i want more usepics. mmmmmmilo.

but i'll probably not come on lj again for months.

i was thinking of getting yet another new account for a new fresh start etc. but that never happens/works lol.

so i went back to bed just after 6 but by then the morning traffic was starting, then the street lights going off, sun coming up etc. eventually i sort of fell asleep, in a very warm fuzzy feeling sleep, about 8 maybe but my alarm was set for 9. i got up straight away. i feel oddly refreshed. but i've only had 5-6 hours tops whereas usually i need much sleep to function at all. well actually i have noticed that i can function well on slightly less than normal sleep but i just like to stay in bed and oversleep.

yes.

i love this song *bops*

am making a new layout before i leave to get the train. random.

i hate trains :( oh well. i need to go hug ma doggies.

Rosey [userpic]

moan moan can't sleep

November 8th, 2007 (05:02 am)
tired

current location: uni room
current mood: tired

no time like 5:02 in the morning when i can't sleep to have a moan.

so i went to literature society last night. was shite. kerry (the president) wasn't there again but this time a valid excuse; she was in hospital for liver tests or something again :(

erm yeah. not one mention of books. wtf? i just sat and listened to conversation and played a bit of cards but there was only one deck and too many people.

and before that, had gone to SUB with laura and listened to her talk to paul i think his name is and some other bloke from english. i had a pint of coke. i hadn't had coke for a while because of my teeth and because caffeine is bad. not that i've noticed particularly adversive effects before, but anyway. so, i needed to pee like all day (sorry tmi) but i'm not sure whether that was just post-coke or not. and my legs were slighty shaky at the bar. i don't know whether that's because of me not likely places like that with music and dark and people. and there were fucking loud thumping dance music. at 4:30 in the afternoon. wtf?

so anyway, drank a pint of coke. then bought more coke in the coffee shop, though didn't drink much of it. was ok during the so-called meeting, though when i lifted my heels off the floor my legs would go shaky? but when i left (to go to the toilet again lol) i felt rather crap and faint and a bit dizzy and shaky. i was terrified i'd given myself diabetes or something but i think it was just the stress+caffeine. i'm hoping that's what it was but i'm giving up food and sugar anyway as i am a walking health disaster.

i gradually got less faint but felt awful for the rest of the evening. and soon after i got back i discovered a poster on the kitchen door announcing a flat meeting at 8:30 (10 minutes after i saw it). wtf? so priya and dee were basically complaining about mess in the kitcehn/shower. i am a bit guilty but mostly i don't even cook food. but whatever. i'm annoyed because no one is buying frickin toilet roll lately but me.

*sigh*

so anyway i was still in teh flat meeting (we also made a huge list of all the things that need fixing in the flat) until almost half 9, so i missed most of the repeat of heroes then i phoned my dad then i couldn't face watching heroes unmasked and the new episode because i felt so awful :( but i still stayed on the computer playing minesweeper stupidly.

and so i went to bed just before 11 but i didn't wake up til 9 yesterday morning so i wasn't even actually tired, just felt like shit. after an hour or two i eventually fell asleep, but i don't remember falling asleep but i woke up about 3, half 3 by some noise from a flat nearby. and loud talking i could hear even through my loud music on my ipod GRRRRRRRR. and i needed to pee. again. but after that i tried to go back to sleep but couldn't so i've been on the computer for about 3/4 of an hour being bored and tired and pissed off.

so yes.

IHMAWTD

i keep saying this, but i don't think i'll bother going to literature society again. i'm the 'secretary' though i don't do anything. there's not a lot for me to do/i don't know what to do. i never even bloody talk in meetings but helloo i didn't join to talk about random crap with random people. thing is, i haven't actuallyread any books not for my course as i have enough reading to do so why the fuck did i join? although it's nice to have some social contact, i can't really handle it. i can't handle group conversation. it takes so much energy for me to keep up with the conversation(s), i don't have enough energy or time to think of my own contribution to the conversation and if i could i couldn't make myself heard.

i fail at life :(

sill.

always will.

lol i'm not that depressed actually just ... can't do it anymore :( i mean i do try! i probably do unconsciously set myself up to fail but i tried to make an effort and it just backfires and gives me stress headaches and everything. it's hard being a friendless loner but i will just have to deal with the fact that that is what i am, always will be because i am meant to be that way. i can't handle social situations. well laura is my friend, a good friend. and becky kind of though i don't really know her outside of the one lecture, whereas i speak with laura on msn. and it seems rachel is not that bothered about me anymore. not that she ever had been. i know she's having a hard time at the moment, trying to find a job, but i asked her on facebook if she was free this weekend (going home tomorrow yay) and she said she didn't know she might be on friday. yeah don't sound so excited about seeing me then. she really can fuck off. i only went into town with her two weeks ago but she probably thinks that's enough for the next few months. whatever.

i know that i will keep being 'friends' with her because she's my only friend back home but argh. i don't see the point. we talk superficially but that's about it. and i REALLY don't want to be her bridesmaid. i said yes to be polite but .. meh. they might break up in the two years before the wedding anyway but if not, i'll tell her nearer the time. there's so many reasons not to; 1) i am fat and ugly and would ruin her wedding photos 2) i do not do dresses or being neat and smart 3) churches and christianity makes me sick 4) weddings and happiness and love makes me sick haha 5) i don't do crowds. family weddings were bad enough with people i knew. people i do not know is not good.

which reminds me; when i went into town with rachel the other week, in boots this random guy waved to her and she stopped to talk to the bloke and this woman for like ages. i was assuming she'd just say hi/how are you not a full blown conversation, or else i would have buggered off and walked round the shop. i thought that was rather rude. but. to top it off, i eventually figured out who the peopel were; her fiancé's mum and brother, which she told me afterwards. but she didn't even introduce me. i'm supposed to be her chief bridesmaid. wtf is that about? proves she'd ashamed of me or something so why did she even ask me?

i really am a loser.

i'm never gonna make any more friends. no one else is on my level/ the ones that are are equally reclusive :(

i keep changing my mind about goingto america next summer. it could make or break me but should i take the risk? being broken all those miles from home? and still not making any friends/ talking to anyone? it would be valuble experience to help getting a job back here afterwards but ... no. i don't think i can do it. i've filled in the application online and now got my proof of student status but ... no. i'll use the money (which i don't have anyway) to have a nice proper holiday/survive on til some fool gives me a job. except i will have to go on that holiday by myself as i have no one to go with but i need a fucking break. i mean, i don't work or anything as i am a lazy git, so i don't really deserve a holiday, but after 3 fucking years of boring univershity which is actually worth nothing, ...

ok now i really am depressed. i'm doomed. i don't want a career. there's nothing i want to do. i wanted to be a writer but i don't write. the occasion when i can bring myself to write, sometimes i like it, but there's no way i could make a living out of it and wouldn't have the heart to work a day job and be a writer. i wanted to be an actor. i can't act, i'm fat and ugly, have no confidence.

what else is there? i don't want a proper boring job. i know that's what most people have but i can't face the idea of the rest of my life being that. because i have nothing else. other people have friends, partners, they go out and have fun, stay in and have fun. me? i do nothing but sit and feel sorry for myself. all i have is my family (which is slightly falling apart) and they don't have time for me.

i really am crazy aunt rosey :(

my 21 years so far have pretty much been a waste. yes, i could get off my arse and make changes, make a difference. will i? no. because i'm an idiot.

here endeth the pissed off, tired, depressive rant.

Rosey [userpic]

taking so long

November 3rd, 2007 (10:16 pm)
current location: uni room
current song: in repair (acoutic) john mayer

WHOa i haven't posted here in along time.

no point in recording my pointless existence.

and yes i'm still depressed. currently i have lost the will to live. so behind with uni work etc.

won't be home for bonfire night :( i go home most weekend but thought i should stay here and do some work. i haven't.

i started national novel writing month but am so behind. have given up the joke idea of being a writer ever as i don't even like writer. what an idiot.

fireworks going off everywhere grrrrrr

since my last entry i have met milo ventimiglia (yum!) though not really met him as like he totally ignored me when i got his autograph :( but he smiled at me before when i got a photo with him and adrian pasdar. and last weekend i met james kyson lee and matthew john armstrong, both lovely. so that was nice. really nice day with my nephew joel. he got chris judge's autograph but i don't watch stargate.

it's a shame after such a great day the week after/this week has just been so hard. i really have lost the will. i'm not quite so depressed right now but so so motivationless it's terrible but i just cannnnnnnnnnnn't do it. :(

saw stardust last friday i think. AMAZING. bought the book but not read it yet.

so yes. i still fail at life.

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